Does subtraction plus addition equal multiplication?
Okay, so this will take a little explaining, I know. Let me back up a little bit and give you some facts. I believe in God. I accept Jesus as my savior. I attend church and put money in the offering plate and everything but for some reason I don’t trust or have enough faith, I guess, that he’ll take care of me. For instance, when I pray on the way to work each morning I thank him for putting me here, giving me talents and abilities and a purpose but I don’t go the extra step of saying “It’s all in your hands, big guy. I know you’ve got it handled.” I don’t think that makes me uncommon or (hopefully) even a bad guy but it doesn’t exactly make me a shining example of how I think this whole God thing is supposed to work either. And it trips me up in a few other ways too.
I’ve been going through a real tough patch depression-wise and I wrote about what it’s like just a short while back (A Bad Idea). Sorry to say the crud hasn’t lifted and I’m still struggling. You’d think that a guy who believes in God would be crying out for help, he’d be looking to his Father in heaven or at least to friends, doctors or chemistry for a leg up. Not me. It’s all me apparently. Believe me I know this doesn’t make me a poster child for much more than perhaps someone with an overblown ego and estimation of his ability to fix himself. I know it really doesn’t have to be that way, especially when it comes to God. I know that while he didn’t put us here to have everything go our way he also didn’t just shovel “stuff” on us to see how much we’d stink up the place. I get that part of the tough stuff is realizing you need him to get through it at least without serious breakage (don’t ask me how I know this). Still knowing all these things, for whatever reason, doesn’t steer me down the right path. It doesn’t make me feel any better. Mornings and nights are the worst.
Ever have pimples when you were going through puberty? Ever go to bed with a nasty one that you worked over at the mirror before bed and thought you killed it only to wake up and it was still there? It’s a little like that. I can’t figure out how to start things off on the right foot when I roll out of bed in the morning to give me a jumpstart on getting back amongst the living. Nights aren’t a picnic either. It seems that my thoughts turn to all the ways I wasn’t “enough” during the day and how I won’t be enough tomorrow either. The mental gymnastics are sort of incredible and (I realize) just banging around in my melon; a part and creation of me that I’d just as soon be without once and for all. So what’s the solution? Knowing I can hardly just through force of will quit with this nonsense, what is my solution?
Like I said, I think God has our back in this thrill ride (what is the correct font for sarcasm) we call life. I think he put us here to do good and I also think he might have put someone close to me in my path this week right when I needed it. Sort of unsolicited, they told me the best times of their day were right when they woke up and right before they went to sleep at night. I’ll admit I wasn’t bright enough to have the light go on right away. It wasn’t until a couple of days later that I thought, “Well, cripes! Those are my worst parts of the day. What’s their secret?” I tried to talk to them but couldn’t reach them and that’s when I think God finally smacked the back of my head and said “Wake up, dummy!” (in a very loving way of course) and said, “You feel awfully good after you pray on the way to work; why don’t you give that a try first thing in the morning and when you crawl under the sheets at night?” Sometimes my density defies logic; literally.
So, this Thursday, I’m ditching the idea that I can handle it all, especially my depression and I’m committing to quitting putting off praying until I get in the pickup each morning. I don’t know what those prayers first thing or late at night might consist of; I imagine God and I will sort of figure it out as we go along. What I do know is that if I can get even part of what I feel after praying on the way to work I might just whip depression’s ass in no time. Wish me luck.
Ever have a lightbulb moment that amazes you with how simple and right-in-front-of-your-nose it was? This was one of those and it’s not something I intend to only use when I’m in the dumps. It’s something I’m going to institute all the time. If it might help someone you know I hope you’ll share it with them.
I write every week in my blog about lots of things non-God and non-depression. You can check them out by clicking this to go to that site. If you like what you read there or here I hope you’ll subscribe. It’s free and means you’ll receive an email on Saturdays with links to that week’s posts, nothing else. I never sell or share emails. Subscribe by clicking here.