A brief confession of inadequacy

Not so terribly long ago a guy who is a lot wiser about these things than I am made the statement that churches are filled with people who have been run over by life.  Ever feel that way?  I’ve been knocking around this old earth for going on 54 years and I know I sure do.  Maybe I had it wrong from the get-go.

Seems like I thought there came a time (and it should have been at least 10 years ago) where a person had stuff sort of figured out about this life thing.  I’m not saying I expected to be on easy street, coasting through life without a care in the world but kids, I gotta admit, I expected to have it more together than this.

I realize now my thoughts were nebulous at best but I figured by now I would be able to handle the everyday stresses and tribulations of life much better.  I thought that even though things would come along I would have the wisdom and the experience to know how to handle what life brought my way.  I thought my life would be a nice pattern with regular sleep, sensible eating, scheduled exercise and fulfilling family and social time.  And furthermore I thought this would all be controlled by yours truly who would make changes and alterations as he saw fit.  What a moron!

What I have are one “holy crap!” moment followed by a “how do I make this up as I go along or fake my way through it?” situation.  I find myself swung to and fro like some blade of grass in the wind, neither controlling nor knowing which way I’ll be going next.  I sleep about two hours at a shot for various reasons, eat when I seem to have time and whatever is convenient, exercise with the pattern of a spastic monkey and struggle to connect with family and friends.  Meanwhile my mind, which as some sort of cosmic joke escapes me completely at times, takes turns reeling in disbelief and admonishing me for not having it all together.  It’s a chaotic and confused jigsaw puzzle up there and I can’t even find the border pieces to begin to put things together.  It’s no wonder I need some sort of respite to put itall in perspective at least once a week and I’ve found it.  In church.

Yep, I’m one of those people who drags their sorry keister into church on Sunday just looking for some sort of sanity and plan to put things together.  I need someone to remind me that no matter how badly I’ve marffed it up in the past six days I’ve got someone on my side.  I need to know that there’s all kinds of letters to people in places I’ve never heard of like Collosia and Thessalonia and Phillipi encouraging them to hang in there, to rely on each other and to rely on the one thing they all have in common, God.  I need the comfort that for well over 2,000 years people have been struggling to put it all together, hang in there and cut themselves some slack for their shortcomings.  Somehow I find comfort from people who I don’t know who lived in a radically different time and yet needed the same pep talk I do.  So I roll in every Sunday, me and my battered psyche and I look for refreshment.  And you know?  If I listen, I find it.

That glass of water that’s been dry as a bone since Thursday?  It’s full to the top.  That engine that coasted in on fumes has a full tank.  That gray matter that had so many inconsequential, disparate and janky things banging around in it?  It’s clear as a bell, at least for a little while and the replenishment each time actually gives me a second wind sometimes during the week.

I know I have someone in my corner.  I know that if I hit a brick wall I need only call on that wrecking ball behind me to get through it.   In short, I know I’ll persevere.  Despite my stupid expectations of being able to handle everything and my naïve ideas that I can control it all I’m learning I can’t and won’t go through this life on my own.  I have a team.  Sometimes it’s not a big team but when you’re over run all you really need is you plus one.

Every week I write about life and its ups and downs, sometimes even its ins and outs.  If you would like to read more, click here and you’ll be directed back to my blog’s home page.  Like what you read?  I hope you’ll subscribe for free.  Subscribing means you will get an email on Sundays with links to the week’s posts, nothing more or less.  You can subscribe at the home page or here by clicking this.