These two have gotten me absolutely no where so I’m kicking them to the curb.

I started this resolution in November of last year under the title, “Quit being such a bitch”. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not now, and I wasn’t then, using the term in a derogatory way toward women. My intention was more toward the street vernacular. I was going to resolve to quit being such a whiney, cryey and wussy person, really a man, once and for all. I get tired of myself sometimes in this regard and just essentially frustrated with my propensity toward looking on the dark side of things. Lately I’ve been doing this a lot and I’m sort of sick of myself.

I’m not sure of the reasons behind my recent penchant toward seeing the glass half empty but I’m darn sure ready to break out of the habit. As I prayed on my way to work this morning (yep, still doing that) I realized that the parts of my life that were supposedly getting me down really hadn’t changed that much. For whatever reason; my health or just that old S.O.B. depression, I was seeing the ways that I was disappointed in how everything was going. I don’t know about you but there are times when I grow weary of putting up the good fight. I know people who take a mental health day off from work every once in a while and I applaud them for it. Unfortunately I’m wired with enough guilt that doing that makes me feel bad that I couldn’t answer the bell. Like the core of this resolution less negativity, not more, is what I need.

For me, being active and actively pursuing the things that interest me is the best medicine. If you drill down into it, part of what you find is the need to have control of how things progress. And yes, I realize I vowed to give up trying to control everything in my life and I am trying. Unfortunately I’m not always successful. Negativity creeps in and slows my progress or I just lose patience and all of a sudden if the wheels aren’t falling off I start tearing them off myself. Sometimes my ability to analyze is not an asset. I tend to worry the crap out of things.

“Man up and go!” Was also part of the initial title for this proposition and it’s part good advice and part admonition. On the one hand taking action is a key to breaking out of whatever funk I personally find myself in. That’s the “go” part. I’ve known this for many years and I’ve also realized for many years how depression feels like I’m trying to wade through waist-deep molasses in January. It’s why small victories or small progressions are so important. It’s also why talking to myself in a positive manner is so important which is the second part of this. The idea of “manning up” strikes right at a lot of my insecurities. What is a man? When does a man ask for help? How do men balance their need to be autonomous against their need for success and which is more important? I don’t think those questions are gender specific today. Whether we’re examining who we think we should be as men or women, I think often we over burden and over expect of ourselves. Yes, I know I resolved to temper that also.

So this Thursday I’m going to take a pill (figuratively) and try and relax a bit. I’ll try again to make small strides toward where and how I want to be. I’ll try and cut myself some slack and admit once again that I’m the one with the internal deadlines, not anyone else. I’ll shut up with the complaining, even if it’s only in my head and instead tell myself it’s not so bad. Because it isn’t. In fact it’s really quite good. Really.

I’m going to admit I don’t have a clue whether you go through this type of thing on occasion. If I were a betting man I’d say yes. If you are I hope this gives you some encouragement to come out of these two places when you find yourself there. And please pass this along to any friends that might get some good out of it also.

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