Yes, I know, these two stand on opposite sides of the room sticking their tongues out at each other
I’ve been having a tough time lately with my writing. It’s tough to say when it started or how, forget about why, there’s no shot on that one. Like most pernicious things it wasn’t a drastic change, it was gradual. I found myself avoiding writing, shorting it on the time I had previously devoted to it and feeling, well, empty. I’m certain this isn’t terribly uncommon but I wouldn’t describe it as the clichéd “writer’s block.” I wouldn’t say I’ve been dealing with a block problem. It was more a worth problem.
I haven’t felt worthy of the writing and in some respects I haven’t felt worthy of much at all. It doesn’t matter that I see this for what it is, just a dip in a process I have to get through, again like many others deal with in their marriages, relationships, careers and so many other areas of life. There are so many facets to a devaluing of any of these and the process isn’t just internal, it’s a product of external forces too. For me the internal has a lot to do with my struggle with depression while the external has a lot to do with so many other worthwhile things. All these have to be or really need to be handled and so I’ve relegated writing to second chair or third or fourth. It’s made me question its place in my life and wonder if there’s value in continuing writing. This morning I went back to the manual for some encouraging words out here where the buffalo roam. As is so often the case, I found some good ones.
Psalm 3: 2-6 goes like this: “Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.” But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.”
Reading those words speaks things to me I need to hear. I need to know God has my back, he’s there at all times, protecting me from the really, really dark places depression has taken me in the past. Despite the negative thoughts running pell-mell around my cranium I have a protector. Even though I’m struggling now, I know it’s nowhere near where I’ve been with this condition in the past. Part of that protection is our daily talks (prayer) on the way to work and part is simply having a relationship with a power I know exceeds any I could ever obtain. I know that each day is a gift I’m given and I say thanks for each one I have to try and fill with good stuff, writing and otherwise. His presence beats back the thoughts and bad stuff rattling around in my melon that could/have taken me down before. I know He’s going to get me through because I don’t have to face this alone. I won’t say I’m not afraid, I am, but it’s not the paralyzing fear that won’t let me get out of bed, that makes taking a shower an effort and that makes me want to isolate myself from everyone and everything. In simple terms, I know I’m fed. So where to from here? Down some unknown paths I’m sure.
I’ve reached out for help from the medical profession. I realize some may pooh-pooh the verse or my previous assertion how God supports me but I know at least for me, without His strength, I would never have had the courage to take this step. Sure, I have the same stigma as many do about this and I’ve had the bad experiences to back up my opinion. I had one quack tell me it sounded like all I really needed was just to find a good job. It was all I could do not to strangle him and scream, “No shit! Ya think!!” but I digress. Anyway, I know God put some people on this earth to listen to schlubs like me and he also gave them gifts to do so and smarts to help said schlubs work through their gook. I’m nearly certain whoever I talk to they’re going to suggest some things I’m not comfortable with and I’m prepared for that and again I’ll draw on Him because he does make the sun come up each day on this struggling guy and give him another chance.
And for that, I’m eternally thankful.
I hope this can give a bit of help if you’re struggling with something, not necessarily depression, but just all the general life stuff we all find ourselves dealing with every day. I’m with you and hope my story is a little encouragement to reach out in whatever way you need for help.
Each week I try and make sense of this whole life thing. If you want to read more click this and you’ll go to the home page of my blog. While you’re there you can subscribe if you’d like. Subscribing means you’ll receive an email on Sundays with links to the week’s posts, nothing more. I never sell or share emails. If you liked this so much you want to subscribe here, just click this. Oh, and subscribing is free!